Learning to Love Through the Sadness

Creating Love, Intimacy, and Connection Through the Experience of Sadness, Failure, and Fear by Laura Lee Wood

Instead of trying to fix the sadness or make it go away, I am making a conscious choice to be with the sadness and love myself through the healing. So much of my life has been about avoiding decisions that could create sadness- things like avoiding failure, avoiding being the one who ended a relationship rather than being rejected, catching myself trying to shove the sadness to the side and just pretend to be happy. 

The sadness doesn’t feel as shameful anymore. Yesterday during a session with my coach, a flood of emotions surfaced at the most unexpected moment. I realized that I had been in such a rush lately to complete tasks in my business and in my personal life I hadn’t really sat down to allow myself to just feel my own emotions. 

My chest tightened, my voice trembled, my eyes filled with tears, and my heart heavy. The sense of failure in my business and in life overcame me and tears ran down my face. It’s the looming sadness I’ve not been as successful as an entrepreneur as I was an attorney. The sadness that creeps in when I think of the love I ran from or closed doors so I could guard my heart from being broken again. The sadness that my child is growing up with divorced parents and that life isn’t perfect for him either. 

Then, I sense the fear in every moment of sadness. I am crying out loud and overcome with the urge to figure out how to fix the sadness. Then, the realization of I can’t fix it. I can’t hide from it. And, I refuse to ignore it. 

Next, the wave of feeling alone- which for me differs from loneliness. The sense of I’m literally all alone every day working, parenting, and doing life. And, the sense of failure I don’t already have the lifetime partnership I desire. The burden of being alone in making all of my decisions because I don’t have someone to plan for in my future. It‘s not a rushed feeling I need to fill the void, but it’s being willing to accept that it’s not what I expected. 

My sadness is something I’ve never shared so openly with anyone in my entire life, which probably explains why I feel so alone. I’ve never allowed myself to be so open or vulnerable to this extent in my personal, intimate relationships. 

In this moment, I feel exposed. I feel alone. And, I still feel the sadness. The fear. The worry. The sense of failure. 

For me, this is a place where I am learning to love myself. And, choosing to believe I am worthy of being loved even when I share my darkness. So, today, I am choosing to allow myself to feel the depths of my sadness and accept that I am still loveable and capable of being loved deeply. I’m choosing to take away the shame I’ve had my entire life and instead be real. Because I know I’m not the only one who has struggled to believe someone can love you even through the pain, sadness, and failures in life. 

Are we really loved for our perfection or are we loved for who we are? I’ve experienced praise and accolades for my accomplishments for my perfect on paper career and life accomplishments. But, there’s nobody here now to praise me for my accomplishments and it leaves me feeling empty and alone. Is that enough? Would I rather be loved for the image or for all that I am underneath? In the past, I would have not distinguished between the two because the perfection felt like my identity and it distracted me from feeling much of anything. 

It‘s an interesting place to be with the question of how much am I willing to let someone love me…

Because, this question requires that I show up fully as myself in every area of my life. And, it starts with my commitment to creating the love I desire in my life. A kind of love that does not hide when my sadness surfaces. The love that allows me to feel supported in whatever emotion I experience and to be fully present for my lover to experience. 

Finding this kind of love isn’t the challenge. The real truth is whether I’m willing to share who I am and how I experience life… The real challenge is in asking whether you are open to creating a level of intimacy that allows you to show up as who you really, not just the perfect on paper match. 

It starts with me. Now is the time to open the dialogue on what we’re hiding from the world and if you will allow your remarkable man to experience your soul and all of its aches and pains? 

When I look at my life, it‘s fair to say I have been open and vulnerable in sharing my story but I ask myself “have I shared who I am today”? And, the answer is that I haven’t fully expressed who I am, my struggles, and my commitment to experiencing love, connection, and intimacy on a deeper level than ever before. I deeply desire to create that level of vulnerability in my life. And, create openness and acceptance of the response to sharing this with you. 

So, the question really is… “Can I allow in the love I deeply desire into every area of my life, even the dark corners”?

My answer is YES! Are you? 

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